The following post marks the first of our once-a-week binge and purge advice columns. Soak it up, Kitty-Kats!
Binge on the below and for God's sake, please purge the latter block of resentment. Reign it in, trannies. Regin it in.
1. Prosecco: Get drunk in broad daylight while still staying/appearing classy. This bubbly elixir is right up there next to Jesus, and it won't set you back too far. You may or may not find yourself going through a bottle, or twelve, in McCarren park or your own personal tar beach. B-Burg prices range from $8 to $22 (Mionetto, a personal favorite at around $14 we refer to as the "poor man's Veuve" with a surprisingly similar yellow label).
2. Deodorant: Come on, Brooklynites. Just because you LOOK like a hipster doesn't mean you have to SMELL like one. There is no reason the L train needs to be a vacuum of body odor. Nothing says purge like the ripe smell of your pits as you reach over me to grab the ceiling handle on the train, so please do binge on Right Guard.
3. Short-shorts: Who needs marriage equality when you can get away with short-shorts anytime, anyplace? The mustache was a hit last year, easing in the seamless segway of the male short-short. Dust off your ThighMasters and practice your Kiegels, trannies. This is is definitely the fad-train yelling, "All aboard!"
4. Bush: Long gone are the Bel Ami twink-obsessed days of yesteryear. Although we're glad Dubbya is out of our lives, we've finally come to appreciate the one bush we'd like to stick around: pubes. Save your Mach 3 for your face, boys. Embrace the bush. No one wants to go downtown only to discover that your trick has a freshly shaved man-zone.
1. White Zinfandel: There's a reason you never find this on a menu. I don't even think they carry it at Crapplebees. There are much better cheap, sweet wines that will allow you to keep a few shreds of your dignity. Stop bleeding the bag and embrace a nice Rose' or Sauvignon Blanc.
2. Mustaches: Although yours truly was once a victim of the mustache-revival, it's time to get rid of the porn stache. Yes, you can still offer free rides, just think of something else you can allude to riding when you pursue that boy that only looks attractive in the dim, neon-colored lights of Sugarland.
3. Subway PDA: No one wants to see you and your rat-tail haircut making out with your leopard-print leotard leggings girlfriend on the L. No matter how high you are, everyone still notices, and loathes you for it. Save it for your trust-fund fueled industrial loft adjacent to the park. I mean, you can still make out in front of your floor-to-ceiling windows. At least that gives us fellow B-Burgers the opportunity to walk away. Just. Walk. Away
4. Last call booty-call: Since again, yours truly has taken many for the team on this front, I bid you a piece of advice. No matter how cute he looks in the sweaty post-Sugarland glow, when they turn the lights on, don't scramble-to-settle. I can tell you from my experience the last two weekends that that boy you go home with because there is no one else is never worth it. It just leads to a morning of resentment, guilt and pre-metro sunday afternoon drinking to mask your insecurities. Please, cue the prosecco.