Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Prepping (no, not your high school)
Boy Scout, Camp Fire Girl or Brownie, those who rough it have one motto in common: Be Prepared. This isn't the '60s and you're not boarding Pam Am to Hawaii: no matter how much you spend on air fare, being a traveling tranny in a post 9-11 world is arduous. Do some leg work before you depart to ensure fabulous travel.
- Make your travel plans as early as possible. It's economical and will ensure you get the best seat on the best flight for your busy schedule. If you aren't flying commercial and hope to charter or tag along on a friend's PP act super-early browsing rates and dropping blatant hints : "So Mustique for Thanksgiving? How fab! I hear Prince William will be back with Kate Middleton for New Years. I can introduce!"
- Pack wisely. Consider your destination: find out from friends, family and local publications what exactly your wardrobe should include. Who needs a full suit when a blue blazer will do? Are shorts OK or will that relegate you to tourist status? The tranny with deep pockets or an extensive line of credit should pack a collapsible bag to fill with new purchases for the return flight.
- Bring a gift. If you are visiting friends, friends' parents or the boyfriend's mom and dad you ought not come empty handed. Lovely soaps, a quality scented candle or bottle of scotch goes a long way. A new TTT fav find for hostess gifts is the Armani Dolci bar inside the Armani flagship store on 5th Ave. A selection of world-class chocolates are available in super-sleek packaging for just over $30: a fitting gift from the big city house guest.
- Dress the part. We all bemoan the disgusting exhibition of humanity that air travel has become. We long for the days of glamorous stewardesses, well-crafted in-flight martinis and unlimited carry-ons. It's clear the major carriers have no plan to bring civility back so it falls upon us trannies. While a Juicy Couture velor track suit is, allegedly, comfy, opt for travel clothes more befitting of your journey. Dress to arrive at your destination looking editorial not down market. Remember, mink is universal.
At the Airport
- The only airport for domestic departures is La Guardia. It's 20 to 30 minutes by car from any point in Williamsburg and the fare, from Northside or Metroline when paying cash, is just $25. Using any other port for a U.S. flight is nonsensical.
- Utilize the sky captains outside the airport. For the cost of a tip, they will check you in quickly - no lines no waiting - and are are generally more pleasant to deal with than the alternative. Sky captains are especially helpful if your bag is overweight since they rarely pay attention to the scale, saving you silly fees. If you are a frequent flyer, be sure to ingratiate yourself to those guys: they're less harried by amateur travelers and have the same access to upgrade information as the desk clerks.
- When choosing a security line and traveling coach (it happens to the best of us), select the one closest to the first class zone. There is a chance you will be pulled into that line and be screened by TSA workers accustomed to handling a better class of folks (Todds v.s. Tevas, Tumi v.s. Travelpro, you get the idea).
- Always use perks. If you have access to better airport service, use it. Do what you can to get into the Crown Room Club or any frequent flyer lounge. Impersonate a friend, drop a parent's name, sleep with a sky captain or sneak in behind someone with a card, just get in there, act like you belong and all will be well. Inside enjoy free drinks, web access and so-so snacks. It's also the best preview of the who's-who of your flight.
- Stay seated. Any tranny worth her salt does not wait in line. This goes for Delta Gate 5 just as much as it does for The GLAAD 100 party. Who wants to sit and watch Nancy from Nashville cram her Canal Street finds into the overhead bin for 20 minutes? Worse yet, who wants to pay for first class just to watch the great unwashed shamble by on their way to coach. No matter your zone number, stay seated until the desk calls for final boarding, then rise and proceed to the breezeway, making your aeronautic entrance.
- Own your flight. You don't know these people so make your time your own. Bring an eye mask for a rejuvenating nap at any hour, or a Dead Sea masque to freshen up your look. If you've got work to do, or opinions to blog, log on to GoGo Inflight Internet to connect to the Web. (This post is being written at 30,000 feet, kid you not.). Once you're rested, your skin is flawless and work is done, it's time to werq the cabin. "Is that Lauren Santo Domingo in first class to Colombia with the S/S10 Lanvin train case on her lap?" Scan the aisles for possible GPC partners, too. Many a love affair has begun when the seat belt signs are turned off.
- Be nice to the flight crew. You are trapped inside a steel missile piloted by a (probably) drunk captain hurling into oblivion at 450 miles per hour, do you really want to piss off the chick who knows how to inflate the life rafts in the event of a water landing? In lieu of tips, be ready with your order, charge card in hand, say please and thank you.
- Stay seated, again. Even after the plane has taxied to the gate and come to a full and complete stop, stay put. You have a solid 10-15 minutes of people digging for their things in overhead compartments and parents tending to cranky kids. You're best bet is to remain seated until the cabin is nearly empty and make a graceful exit.
- Since you stayed patiently in your seat until all other passengers have exited, you will arrive at the luggage carousel just as your bags are coming off the plane. Remain calm and orderly, this isn't Eastern Europe. Hang back from the crowd until you see your bag then approach the carousel, lift and depart : four easy steps.
- Before meeting friends, family or parents, be sure to chew some gum or have a mint to disguise the 5 gimlets you downed between La Guardia and your final destination. No matter how you feel about seeing them, slap on a smile: it's the holidays, you're out of the city and the worst is behind you!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Hola, Kitties. Here are this week's binge-and-purge guidelines. Soak it up, Kitty-Kats! Binge on the below and for God's sake, please purge the latter block of resentment. Reign it in, trannies. Regin it in.
1. The News: Every tranny should know what’s happening in their neighborhood, city, country and world. Knowledge is power, Kitties! The ability to contribute intelligently and eloquently to dinner party conversation gives a ticity a one-up on his competition. Having a well-formed opinion on what's up with current events will set you apart from the rest and get the attention of the boyfriend-cute “nerd” at the other end of the table. Looking for leftist political commentary? Check out MSNBC – especially Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow. Want a little more popular culture in your news feed (ahem, Balloon Boy)? Check out CNN. Better yet, check out what’s going on in your own city by watching NY1 whilst getting ready for work in the morning. Be in the know – just make sure your source isn’t entirely partisan - cherry picking facts and dumbing-down issues is just as lame on the left as it is on the right
2. Travel size Grooming Products: These are Best for Day when trotting to and from your repeat booty call’s/husband’s place. It’s great to be able to grab your morning routine all whilst jetting out the door to catch the L. Always be prepared (and pretty) for the day, no matter where you are: an unkempt tranny is an unkept tranny. Keeping a constant supply of travelable products will make packing for your next Tranny Trek or business trip that much easier. Grab n’ Go, Lovers. As a caveat, it’s also a good idea to keep spare (unopened) toothbrushes at your apartment for those tricks you might want to GPC with down the road.
3. Holiday Parties: Whether it’s an orphan's Thanksgiving, your office’s Chrisma-Hanna-Kwanza celebration or your bosom buddies' “Deck the Walls,’ holiday parties are best for Nov/Dec-ember. Break out the Cinnamon/Cranberry/Vodka concoctions and go to town. Host or attend – either way you are sure to be the belle of the balls.
1. No call/No Show Friends: In this age of constant communication, there is no reason to engage with one-way trannies. Stop e-mailing Sally – she is never going to pull through and meet you for the happy hour she bailed on 14 months ago. Stop texting Bill – he is not going to check out that great contemporary art perspective at Christie’s that sold three months ago. Get the picture? Don’t waste your time on friends who aren’t friends back. If you are the constant inviter (even if they attend most of the time), move on. Surround yourself with trannies that make plans and include you, rather than you doing all the work. Wait, hold on – it’s Jakarta on the other line. I’ll call ya' back . . .
2. Credit Card Minimums: There is nothing worse than selecting a well-priced Malbec at your local booze shop only to find out they have a $15-$20 minimum purchase for cards. After tipping bartenders, cabbies, coat check girls and sky captains, what modern tranny has any cash at the end of the day? Nothing ruins a cute dinner at home with you and your closest hag/roommate than having to run to the ATM over a $14 bottle of wine! Two business problems have my duct tape in a twist over minimums : 1) Charge card minimums drive customers to places that have no minimums (N8 and Driggs Wine and Liquors, for example) and 2) Unless an establishment offers a discount to customers paying by cash, where is the incentive for them to shop there? Minimums are 2000 and late.
3. Dogs not Meant to Survive a New York Winter: I know, I know – you love your miniature teacup hybrid Italian-Franco greyhound. But, even though you have a lovely Nova Check Burberry coat for him, he is still SHIVERING on the corner of N6th while you run in to pick up your Thai take out. Don’t make me call PETA! : not all dogs are meant for seasonal climates. Be nice. Don’t make me sad by having to see Emperor Charles III tied up outside Olslo during a blizzard while you discuss the perfect foam temperature. Consider Gotham’s weather before subjecting your pooch to unfair surroundings.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
packed holiday/charity event season is fast approaching. Last night's GMHC "Fashion Forward" was a great kick-off. Cocktails and mingling through the silent auction allowed for plenty of networking and chit-chat between gallery gays and GPCs followed by a fashion show sponsored by Saks Fifth Avenue. Spotted in the model-towering crowd . . . celebrity style maven, Tim Gunn . . . budding ivy-architect, Travis R. Eby . . . ever-present event tranny esq., Matthew Maddox . . . runway diva and daddy (?), Miss J . . . dapper dandy, Enrico Contenti . . . TV talk show sensation, Wendy Williams . . . PR tranny, Michael Grela before red-eying to Paris . . . a cashmere-clad Anthony Sullivan.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Boyfriend Cute [boi-friend] adjective: the guy you see yourself shopping Chelsea Passage at Barneys with, sitting across the table from you at Fiore for Sunday brunch and waking up to for the rest of your life -- or at least the foreseeable future.
Boyfriend Cute Musts: A guy is boyfriend cute when you see him across the room/train/Fire Island ferry and your mind and penis both get excited. He has a great smile, engaging personality and likes you just as much as you like him. He's boyfriend cute when you like his clothes and his friends enough to borrow both. He's boyfriend cute when he has a job you're actually interested in hearing about and the goals your working toward, too. Boyfriend cute: you know it when you meet it.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
We're super jazz by the release of Candy, the first ever high fashion mag dedicated to the art of living la vida transy. While TTT is totes not about the literal definition of trannydom, we fully support our brethren who take to heels and wigs on the regular. With a run of just 1,000 copies, they're going to go fast, but lucky for you, Spoonbill & Sugar on Bedford Ave. is carrying the pub. Run, don't walk, in your Louboutins to snag a copy! More on Candy from the creator, Luis Venegas:
CANDY is the first fashion magazine ever completely dedicated to celebrating transvestism, transexuality, cross dressing and androgyny, in all its manifestations. Never before in history, have men and women had so many opportunities for body modification, or so many ways to change their appearance from head to toe: from the softest options like make up, to permanent transformations courtesy of the surgeons' knife.You. Better. Werq.
Now the 21st Century is truly underway, there's no need to justify ourselves, only the ability and need to celebrate the diversity of lifestyles and options, the freedom to choose on every level. The possibilities are as infinite as the amount of people there are in this world. CANDY is a magazine for everybody. A space for individual freedom, and a publication that pushes people to take on the persona of what they always wanted to be.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Far too chic to be so shy!
I am always too shy to say anything. Got on at Bedford and sat across from you around 12:30 AM. We both got off at 6th Ave. You had on all black and had duffel bags and blond hair. It looked like you were traveling somewhere. I tried my best not to make eye contact because I always get nervous when I see someone cute. I was wearing all black as well, a cap and a white letterman sweater. We both had skinny black jeans and lace up shoes. I've never posted here before and know it's a long shot, but I thought I'd give it a try for once...
The couple that BFDs together stays together : email@example.com
Meet him at the intersection of Madison and Lexington while your at it.
1.30 brunch rush this past sunday...
we were both waiting outside Lokal on bedford and lorimer, you with a woman...you have dark brown hair, glasses...5'8" or 5'9" i think...walked by and i heard you have the sexiest deep voice...
you guys left cause of the really long wait...you reading this?
. . . on February 30th! you reading this? firstname.lastname@example.org
Dude, it's called elementary school.
I have never posted an ad in "missed connections" before, but I'm hoping this works.
It was late afternoon, early evening. I was traveling on the Brooklyn bound L train headed into Williamsburg.
You are a little guy, maybe 4'5", striking blue eyes, salt and pepper beard, balding, purple hoodie, blue jeans and white sneakers.
I was the bearish black guy standing in front of you, trying to steal glaces when you weren't looking.
I think you are so hot. I was taken by surprised by the strong attraction I had.
You got off the train at Lorimer with another little person.
I don't even know if you are into guys, but I really was quite smitten.
If you are out there, send me a message.
Do you like me, circle yes or no. : email@example.com
You were the lawyer from Atlanta and your friend was keeping you from staying out. He had to get to jazzercize. I was the information systems student hanging out with my friend on the couch . I didn't get your number, but please email me before you leave back for Atlanta. I would love to catch up.
Information specialist fail : firstname.lastname@example.org
Ooooh a Lawyer!
You came into Kellogg's Diner at about 1 pm today. You sat down by yourself and ordered some coffee. You were waiting for an older, African American woman and it sounded like you two were discussing law school/moot court.
You are the hot, tall blond haired, blue-eyed guy wearing tight black jeans and a pink short-sleeve dress shirt (showing off fantastic arms) still sitting at the diner right now. I just left, and came home to write this posting.
I was the guy sitting alone in the dark blue long-sleeve T-shirt. You were looking over towards me, and I hope I was what caught your eye. I wrote my number down and almost walked over to give it to you, but chickened out.
I'd love to buy you a drink sometime. Tell me what color hair/eyes I have.
That's what you call an investment piece : email@example.com
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Ra-GA (Rachel-Gaga) [raw-gah] noun: A very fashionable tranny with style influence and celebrity. One who mixes street couture, prêt-a-porter and copious amounts of accessories with ease. Preferably friends with Marc as well.
Appropriate use: Scenario-- you are perusing in Soho with your favorite gal-pal when get get knocked aside by an oversize Balanciaga. "Did you see that Raga? Her headpiece almost got caught in my extensions."
Monday, November 9, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Hey there, you were wearing a grey baseball cap and sucking a lollipop at metropolitan on halloween. you weren't wearing a costume, said you were "over" halloween. didn't get a chance to chat you up. if you see this, get in touch and let's get a drink.
As the loudmouth lady on my block says, "People who don't like Halloween don't like people." : firstname.lastname@example.org
So is this an episode of "My So-Called Life", right?
Late last night, my lady companion and I decided to take a Queens bound G Train home after a night of moderate Halloween debauchery. She was dressed as Angela from My So Called Life - and I as a 19th Century Golfer - or "Fancy Lad" if you will. We sat down directly across from you and a large group of your friends. I assume your costume - somewhat phoned in on - was that of a zombie. You had white face paint around your eyes, shorts, and a black sweatshirt on. We made eyes a couple times, and when you got off at your stop - you ducked into the window and made an "I - HEART - YOU" gesture and pointed into my general direction. I turned to my friend (who you may recall from earlier in this post -was dressed like Angela from My So Called Life) and said "Did you see that!?" She said "YES!" And I said "That cute boy totally wanted this!" To which she responded "No! He wanted ME! He and I were making eyes the entire trip." To which I responded "No! He was making eyes with ME!" So Zombie, help us settle the bet. Which was it. Mary or Larry?
Email Ricky Vasquez, he's with Rayanne at Let's Bolt waiting on Tino who has the Chinese food : email@example.com
Paging Deigo Rivera . . .
I (very) briefly met you because my friend used the restroom at your party. We have the same name and talked about it a little bit but I was far too intoxicated so I left pretty shortly after that. I think you're the cutest thing I've ever seen and would love to get a drink with you. Believe it or not, I look a bit different when I'm not dressed up as Frida Kahlo.
Oddly enough, later that night he died from an illness related to decades-old injuries from a bus accident : firstname.lastname@example.org
One is a flamboyantly-dressed musician the other a flamboyantly-dressed Jazzerciser.
You: Freddy Mercury, Me: Richard Simmons, My friend: Peggy Bundy.
I liked the mustache. You liked the chest hair.
We got off at Myrtle and you kept on going....
Will we meet again?
It all ends in AIDS : email@example.com
GUMBO is BEST for missed connections.
You were tall, with wavy, longish hair, leaning on the back of a banquette by the door. We exchanged a few looks while I was leaving with my friend--I stopped to put down my bag and put on my coat, sometime just after ten. Does this sound familiar? I hope this sounds familiar--if it does, drop me a line.
Go get him, lavy locks : firstname.lastname@example.org