Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Binge & Purge

Hola, Kitties. Here are this weeks binge-and-purge guidelines. Soak it up, Kitty-Kats! Binge on the below and for God's sake, please purge the latter block of resentment. Reign it in, trannies. Regin it in.

1. Your Gym Membership: Yes to bi
nging on your gym membership, but no to binging on the steam rooms. The summer is over, kitty-kats. No longer can you take long, calorie-burning walks from Metro to your tricks place. No longer can you go for a run over the Williamsburg bridge and loop McCarren Park. Get back in the swing of things and reinstate your weekly post-work gym routines - but stay out of the steam room! Have some class and go down on someone you go home from a bar with, rather than the married, closeted Wall Street Broker at your local Equinox.

2. Dinner Parties: Gather up all the goodies at the last of the farmer's markets and invite your tranny-troop over for a dinner party. Make a playlist, stock up on wine and roll-up those sleeves. It's time to light some candles and cook with friends. Dinner parties are best for fall, as they allow for intimate conversation with your closest cats. Make it somewhat formal, too! Require your boo-besties to dress up and add that element of class.

3. Donating Your Time: Volunteer at your local kid's art non-profit. Buy a ticket to a charity dinner/gala that benefits your community. There are plenty of events/activities/charities you can sink your teeth into and make yourself a contributing tranny. The National Equality March is just around the corner. Mark 10/10 and 10/11 on your calendar and make the trek to D.C. Even Lady GaGa is on the tranny wagon. The Ga herself is hosting a party to raise money and provide FREE transportation for you and your gaggle of gays to get to and from the march. There is no excuse!

Europhilia: It doesn't matter that your mother is Dutch, you housed a Swedish foreign exchange student, you studied abroad in college and you are uncircumcised. If you live in the United States in 2009, show some pride! You're probably still used to the Bush-era habit of claiming to be Canadian, stretching the time you've spent overseas and embracing anything euro, but it's a new day! We've got a black Democrat in the Executive Office, traction on gay marriage and a lively health care debate in both houses of Congress: the U.S. is almost progressive! It's time to retire the track jacket, cool the heels of your futuristic trainers and turn down the Ministry of Sound podcast. If there has ever been a time to embrace being American and show a little love for the red, white and blue, it's now.

2. Faceless Contacts: It's time to scroll through your address book and get rid of all those tickity-tack tricks you have no grasp on. Why keep them in your phone if you have to wonder who the hell they are when you get that booty text at 3:00 a.m. Consolidate your class and start fresh. Start connecting faces to names and remember who you've made out with at the Mothership for more than the hour it takes to find someone else to "split a cab" home with.

3. Worn Out Tranny Panties: We ALL have them. Your stand-by, "Oh shit!" I have no clean clothes undergarments. It's time to get rid of all your faded/ripped/aged undies. Make an investment and replenish stock in the drawers drawer. You never know when you are going to find yourself in your skivvies when you least expect it. Even more, it will make YOU feel better about yourself. Get it in check.

1 comment: