Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Binge & Purge

Hola, Kitties. Here are this week's binge-and-purge guidelines. Soak it up, Kitty-Kats! Binge on the below and for God's sake, please purge the latter block of resentment. Reign it in, trannies. Regin it in.


1. True/Traditional Social Networking - One of a tranny's greatest assets is his network, and we don't mean Verizon, chickadee. Like any good tranny you're most likely a people person. You've got 250 numbers in your Blackberry, 800 friends on Facebook and haven't spent a Saturday night alone since George W.'s first term. But what is the point of rampant popularity if you don't put it to good use? Put your connectedness to work. Have an unemployed buddy? Consider who else you know in the field to introduce him to. Have a great friend who's always whining about being single? Shut him up on a dinner date with another boyfriendless buddy. Be a uniter not a divider, like Abe Lincoln, Martin Luther Kind Jr., and Lady Gaga! Make some people connections and good things will happen.

2. Grinder – Oh Apple, up to your old tricks again – looping us DINKs in with your shiny new toys and applications. Our latest find, Grinder, is an application that locates other trannies looking for a little boom-boom and lists them by proximity to you. That’s right, kittens – this app locates your GPS coordinates and lets you pick from a bevy of tickity-tack iPhone-bearing boned-up boys near you. It even tells you how far/close your future trick is located, be it feet or miles. A word of wisdom, though - don’t be lazy. No fake-F*cking (see below), or “Grinding” while your friends are sitting right next to you. Have some couth, Mary. Go big or go home (with your new, big find).

3. In-home Bartenders - A bartender is a cheap way to make hosting your next party mounds easier and a touch more fab. Imagine not worrying about the status of your mixers, bottle-necking in your kitchen or the next-day's clean-up. An in-home bartender takes care of drink-making and inventory all whilst clearing glasses from tabletops as the night unfolds - leaving you with more time to attend to your guests. Bartenders saves money, too: Chug-a-lug Donna won't suck down all your Ketel if she has someone between her and the bottle. And here's a free bartender idea: next time one of your altruistic friends is collecting money for some AIDS walk, invite him to "celebrity bartend" at your house with a donation jar. Tips go to a good cause, your friends get buzzed and everybody wins!

1. Fake-F*cking - We’ve all been down this road once or twice (for some far more than twice!) – so let’s cut the red tape we seem to endlessly create. If you are trolling for a trick online, be it CraigsList, Manhunt, Adam4Adam, etc., make a commitment. Go for the gold, trannies! If you log on, you should get off. No more endless e-mail chains, faceless torsos (that aren’t actually you) or “browsing.” Be a lady of your word and follow through. Might we also suggest the usual weekend Boiler Room/The Hose/Sugarland in-person cruising grounds. Either way, make it work. We all know a girl has needs – no judgment passed. As a wise tranny once said, “You have to get up to shut it down.” Make haste, kitty-kats, make haste.

2. Social media slutiness - A trick is a trick is a trick. Leave it at that. Don’t kick him out and then scramble to piece together enough information to add him on Facebook. Have some class, sass-a-frass. You know you are only friending him to:
a) Show your friends who you went home with last night;
b) See if his photos indicate he is attractive/worth another romp.
While both of the above options are valid, only Facebook friend if you can handle not defriending him hours later when you decided he was a mistake, regret, etc. Be strategic in you Facebook friending. That way, when you do find a worthy ally, you don’t have to suffer the embrassment of going through “mutual friends,” AKA who you both have bumped gingies with.

3. UggsWe can't believe we're still talking about these! We don’t care if you are from Long Island and you “started” the trend. Uggs are best for never. There’s nothing worse than seeing a twink tramp down the street with fake Prada shades and jeans tucked into Uggs – be it boy or girl. Why on earth would you wear suede shoes in the snow? Please spread the word, just like last year’s bout with syphilis, burn your Uggs. Think of it a shoe holocaust: Never again. Ever.