Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Binge and Purge

Hola, Kitties. Here are this week's binge-and-purge guidelines. Soak it up, Kitty-Kats! Binge on the below and for God's sake, please purge the latter block of resentment. Reign it in, trannies. Regin it in.


1. The News: Every tranny should know what’s happening in their neighborhood, city, country and world. Knowledge is power, Kitties! The ability to contribute intelligently and eloquently to dinner party conversation gives a ticity a one-up on his competition. Having a well-formed opinion on what's up with current events will set you apart from the rest and get the attention of the boyfriend-cute “nerd” at the other end of the table. Looking for leftist political commentary? Check out MSNBC – especially Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow. Want a little more popular culture in your news feed (ahem, Balloon Boy)? Check out CNN. Better yet, check out what’s going on in your own city by watching NY1 whilst getting ready for work in the morning. Be in the know – just make sure your source isn’t entirely partisan - cherry picking facts and dumbing-down issues is just as lame on the left as it is on the right

2. Travel size Grooming Products: These are Best for Day when trotting to and from your repeat booty call’s/husband’s place. It’s great to be able to grab your morning routine all whilst jetting out the door to catch the L. Always be prepared (and pretty) for the day, no matter where you are: an unkempt tranny is an unkept tranny. Keeping a constant supply of travelable products will make packing for your next Tranny Trek or business trip that much easier. Grab n’ Go, Lovers. As a caveat, it’s also a good idea to keep spare (unopened) toothbrushes at your apartment for those tricks you might want to GPC with down the road.

3. Holiday Parties: Whether it’s an orphan's Thanksgiving, your office’s Chrisma-Hanna-Kwanza celebration or your bosom buddies' “Deck the Walls,’ holiday parties are best for Nov/Dec-ember. Break out the Cinnamon/Cranberry/Vodka concoctions and go to town. Host or attend – either way you are sure to be the belle of the balls.


1. No call/No Show Friends: In this age of constant communication, there is no reason to engage with one-way trannies. Stop e-mailing Sally – she is never going to pull through and meet you for the happy hour she bailed on 14 months ago. Stop texting Bill – he is not going to check out that great contemporary art perspective at Christie’s that sold three months ago. Get the picture? Don’t waste your time on friends who aren’t friends back. If you are the constant inviter (even if they attend most of the time), move on. Surround yourself with trannies that make plans and include you, rather than you doing all the work. Wait, hold on – it’s Jakarta on the other line. I’ll call ya' back . . .

2. Credit Card Minimums: There is nothing worse than selecting a well-priced Malbec at your local booze shop only to find out they have a $15-$20 minimum purchase for cards. After tipping bartenders, cabbies, coat check girls and sky captains, what modern tranny has any cash at the end of the day? Nothing ruins a cute dinner at home with you and your closest hag/roommate than having to run to the ATM over a $14 bottle of wine! Two business problems have my duct tape in a twist over minimums : 1) Charge card minimums drive customers to places that have no minimums (N8 and Driggs Wine and Liquors, for example) and 2) Unless an establishment offers a discount to customers paying by cash, where is the incentive for them to shop there? Minimums are 2000 and late.

3. Dogs not Meant to Survive a New York Winter: I know, I know – you love your miniature teacup hybrid Italian-Franco greyhound. But, even though you have a lovely Nova Check Burberry coat for him, he is still SHIVERING on the corner of N6th while you run in to pick up your Thai take out. Don’t make me call PETA! : not all dogs are meant for seasonal climates. Be nice. Don’t make me sad by having to see Emperor Charles III tied up outside Olslo during a blizzard while you discuss the perfect foam temperature. Consider Gotham’s weather before subjecting your pooch to unfair surroundings.

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