Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Tranny Treks : The Definitive Holiday Travel Guide

This week marks the beginning of the Holiday /Resort2009-10 season. Whether it's Thanksgiving back home with the fam, a "girls" ski weekend in Telluride, a short Cesna ride to the new bf's family compound in Palm Beach or New Years Eve in Rio de Janeiro, TTT has some must-follow tips that will keep make your holiday travel experience as smooth Grade-A cashmere.

Prepping (no, not your high school)
Boy Scout, Camp Fire Girl or Brownie, those who rough it have one motto in common: Be Prepared. This isn't the '60s and you're not boarding Pam Am to Hawaii: no matter how much you spend on air fare, being a traveling tranny in a post 9-11 world is arduous. Do some leg work before you depart to ensure fabulous travel.
  • Make your travel plans as early as possible. It's economical and will ensure you get the best seat on the best flight for your busy schedule. If you aren't flying commercial and hope to charter or tag along on a friend's PP act super-early browsing rates and dropping blatant hints : "So Mustique for Thanksgiving? How fab! I hear Prince William will be back with Kate Middleton for New Years. I can introduce!"
  • Pack wisely. Consider your destination: find out from friends, family and local publications what exactly your wardrobe should include. Who needs a full suit when a blue blazer will do? Are shorts OK or will that relegate you to tourist status? The tranny with deep pockets or an extensive line of credit should pack a collapsible bag to fill with new purchases for the return flight.
  • Bring a gift. If you are visiting friends, friends' parents or the boyfriend's mom and dad you ought not come empty handed. Lovely soaps, a quality scented candle or bottle of scotch goes a long way. A new TTT fav find for hostess gifts is the Armani Dolci bar inside the Armani flagship store on 5th Ave. A selection of world-class chocolates are available in super-sleek packaging for just over $30: a fitting gift from the big city house guest.
  • Dress the part. We all bemoan the disgusting exhibition of humanity that air travel has become. We long for the days of glamorous stewardesses, well-crafted in-flight martinis and unlimited carry-ons. It's clear the major carriers have no plan to bring civility back so it falls upon us trannies. While a Juicy Couture velor track suit is, allegedly, comfy, opt for travel clothes more befitting of your journey. Dress to arrive at your destination looking editorial not down market. Remember, mink is universal.

At the Airport
  • The only airport for domestic departures is La Guardia. It's 20 to 30 minutes by car from any point in Williamsburg and the fare, from Northside or Metroline when paying cash, is just $25. Using any other port for a U.S. flight is nonsensical.
  • Utilize the sky captains outside the airport. For the cost of a tip, they will check you in quickly - no lines no waiting - and are are generally more pleasant to deal with than the alternative. Sky captains are especially helpful if your bag is overweight since they rarely pay attention to the scale, saving you silly fees. If you are a frequent flyer, be sure to ingratiate yourself to those guys: they're less harried by amateur travelers and have the same access to upgrade information as the desk clerks.
  • When choosing a security line and traveling coach (it happens to the best of us), select the one closest to the first class zone. There is a chance you will be pulled into that line and be screened by TSA workers accustomed to handling a better class of folks (Todds v.s. Tevas, Tumi v.s. Travelpro, you get the idea).
Boarding, Inflight and Arrival
  • Always use perks. If you have access to better airport service, use it. Do what you can to get into the Crown Room Club or any frequent flyer lounge. Impersonate a friend, drop a parent's name, sleep with a sky captain or sneak in behind someone with a card, just get in there, act like you belong and all will be well. Inside enjoy free drinks, web access and so-so snacks. It's also the best preview of the who's-who of your flight.
  • Stay seated. Any tranny worth her salt does not wait in line. This goes for Delta Gate 5 just as much as it does for The GLAAD 100 party. Who wants to sit and watch Nancy from Nashville cram her Canal Street finds into the overhead bin for 20 minutes? Worse yet, who wants to pay for first class just to watch the great unwashed shamble by on their way to coach. No matter your zone number, stay seated until the desk calls for final boarding, then rise and proceed to the breezeway, making your aeronautic entrance.
  • Own your flight. You don't know these people so make your time your own. Bring an eye mask for a rejuvenating nap at any hour, or a Dead Sea masque to freshen up your look. If you've got work to do, or opinions to blog, log on to GoGo Inflight Internet to connect to the Web. (This post is being written at 30,000 feet, kid you not.). Once you're rested, your skin is flawless and work is done, it's time to werq the cabin. "Is that Lauren Santo Domingo in first class to Colombia with the S/S10 Lanvin train case on her lap?" Scan the aisles for possible GPC partners, too. Many a love affair has begun when the seat belt signs are turned off.
  • Be nice to the flight crew. You are trapped inside a steel missile piloted by a (probably) drunk captain hurling into oblivion at 450 miles per hour, do you really want to piss off the chick who knows how to inflate the life rafts in the event of a water landing? In lieu of tips, be ready with your order, charge card in hand, say please and thank you.
  • Stay seated, again. Even after the plane has taxied to the gate and come to a full and complete stop, stay put. You have a solid 10-15 minutes of people digging for their things in overhead compartments and parents tending to cranky kids. You're best bet is to remain seated until the cabin is nearly empty and make a graceful exit.
Baggage and the Meet-and-Greet
  • Since you stayed patiently in your seat until all other passengers have exited, you will arrive at the luggage carousel just as your bags are coming off the plane. Remain calm and orderly, this isn't Eastern Europe. Hang back from the crowd until you see your bag then approach the carousel, lift and depart : four easy steps.
  • Before meeting friends, family or parents, be sure to chew some gum or have a mint to disguise the 5 gimlets you downed between La Guardia and your final destination. No matter how you feel about seeing them, slap on a smile: it's the holidays, you're out of the city and the worst is behind you!

3 comments:

  1. Good post. I didn't know the trick of the security line closest to 1st class.
    One objection though: Being the last person to board the plane means you might have to place your carry-on in an overhead compartment far far away from your seat. Or worst, under the seat behind you. For tall trannies like me, this is worth standing in line for. Also, pretending that your regular Citi MasterCard allows you to go the Breezeway works... sometimes more than not.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Paris short term apartments and accommodation for holidays and short term vacation apartments in paris France,Book online your accommodation in Paris.Short term vacation rentals, holiday apartments and accommodation experts. Rome, Dubai, Amsterdam, Barcelona, Venice and worldwide. Book online or speak to us for luxury, short-term, beach rentals and city breaks.I like your post,It's really helpful for me..Keep Blogging

    ReplyDelete