Hola, kitties. Your Associate Tranny here - bringing you your weekly binge and purge guidelines.BINGE
1. Cuffed Pant-Legs: Take your straight-leg or skinny jeans and give them one quick cuff (read cuff, not f*ck). Not only will it cool your cankles, but if there's a strong enough wind, your lady parts will benefit from the ocean breeze as well.
2. Skippies: Canvas shoes are your new best friend. Not only are they airy, but they are quite versatile as well - something yours truly is desperately trying to become himself. You can dress them up or dress them down, but either way they'll add to your relaxed look. Although they've been around for a while, they're a MUCH better alternative to flip-flops - which will be purged, no doubt, next week.
3. Get 27: I declare this the new post sleep-and-scram hangover cure. Not only does it serve as your Saturday/Sunday morning/mid-afternoon (depending on when you awake from your Sugar(land) induced coma, this hair-of-the-dog also doubles as an alternative to Listerine when you're dashing from your trick's apartment in Bed-Stuy to your brunch date with the gurls. It's much better to show up to your eggs Benediction smelling of mint than vodka and regret. This titillating aperitif has an alcohol content of 27%, so you'll be able to subdue the onslaught of remorse you encountered when you rolled over and saw who you went home with last night.
PURGE
1. Jennifer Aniston: This bitch needs to get over herself right quick. We've finally erased sour-pussed Renee Zellweger from our cranium, but now Jenny A. is taking over the role of 'most annoying woman on film.' Brad left you for a reason. Whether it's your baron ovaries, or your lack of talent, he ran, and ran fast. Word on the street is he beat the world marathon record - all the way into Lips' arms.
2. Ray Ban Wayfarers: I must admit, I am a fan of these classic shades, but Mary Magdalene herself can't even get away with these anymore. It's time to retire the Wayfarers and grasp that last shred of originality. Caveat: If you are outside of Ham-Burg-er land, these MIGHT be an acceptable form of retinal protection. If not, grab your toothbrush, shove it down and purge.
3. Post Sleep-and-Scram Texts: There's a reason your love connection was made as a result of excess amounts of vodka and Chanel. The best sleep-and-scram ends with a polite walk to the door, completely avoiding the number exchange - unless of course you find yourself waking up in Robby P's bed. If that tranny does in fact text you, "I had a great time last night, let's hang out this week," just ignore it. Only store their number if they've provided you with a pre-party trunk show or make your gait all that much wider on your walk-of-shame to brunch.
--Thanks to Nomes and Stache-from-the-past for their contributions to this week's Binge and Purge.
- Lady Longhours
Oh THANK GOD someone else despises Aniston as much as me. I can't figure out why, but I can't stand her. Maybe it's her constant failure - relationships, movies, life.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad for Aniston! I don't think she realizes how annoying she is, but after all those interviews and break-ups, she should get a clue that she needs to stop talking about how lonely she is if she wants a man!
ReplyDeleteThe wayfarer shape is completely ubiquitious, I agree, but where do you suggest we go from here? MINE EYEZ! I always wear shades, even when it's not so bright, my eyes are sensitive! Also, who's going to break the news to Anna W. that she should ditch her iconic eyewear shape?
ReplyDeleteOh Anna-- coming out on Letterman last night with those shades! it was a little redic she looked like Ray Charles meagerly making her way to her seat. As far the the new shade to invest in: i am really into the whole classic american bone frame. oliver peoples is doing some nice ones as are some custom shops uptown.
ReplyDelete