Hola, Kitties. Here are this weeks binge-and-purge guidelines. Soak it up, Kitty-Kats! Binge on the below and for God's sake, please purge the latter block of resentment. Reign it in, trannies. Regin it in.
1. Tie clips: Hello, Mad Men. Tie clips are back, and will hold it back. Fall is on its way, and with it comes brisk weather, color changing leaves and gusts of wind. Keep your tie in place and always look as dapper as Don Draper. You can find these at your local vintage shop or your favorite distinguished retailer. Respect the color and pattern (where applicable) of your tie and be sure to coordinate your clip to accent its base, rather than clash with it.
2. Well-hemmed pants: Give it up, trannies. None of you are sample size. What makes you think you can buy right off the rack? I’ve seen your nugget legs tranny-tramping all over Billy Burg. Well-hemmed pants will give you clean, smooth lines, and will actually make you look taller – the fabric won’t bunch or self-cuff at the bottom when tailored correctly. Ladies recommend good Gynos, gays recommend good tailors.
3. Restaurants offering recession-style specials: Tranny-at-large Jill Zarin scouts out deals – why aren’t you? Restaurant Week pricing can still be found city-wide, even in W Burg. Share your finds with your fellow trannies. Some dining digs even offer all you can drink lunches. Get on it! List your dining deals in the comments section.
4. Crushes: Notice yourself shying away from last-call booty calls and looking for a snuggle buddy? As the weather changes, so does our desire to frolic freely. Crushes are best for fall. Let yourself get swept up in a boy. Let him take you out. Take him out! Just have fun. Don’t think about it. Don’t overanalyze it (that’s what winter relationships are for). Fall crushes are all about fun. Who knows, it might turn into something! If not, at least you had a nice boy to think of at inopportune moments, e.g., boring conference calls.
1. Shoes without socks: Come on boys…ahem...girls. Per previous posts, fall is on its way. Throw on a colorful pair of socks (like the stunners spotted this weekend at Barneys) and fill the void between your well-hemmed slacks and classic Oxfords. We will all sorely miss our shoes-sans-socks days, but at least we can look back at them as fond memories. Fall = prep.
2. Indoor sunglass wearing; No description needed, just don’t do it. Call me when you get over yourself (and you get a bush).
3. Anti-social weekdays: I know, I know. You work. A LOT! Don’t we all?! We’re all doing the job of two people in this recession just to keep the deeds to our cubicles/offices, but it doesn’t mean we have to suffer more than necessary. Make weekday plans with friends, aforementioned crushes and colleagues (only if they are tranny-friendly). Don’t get stuck in a rut of going to work, coming home late, ordering take out, rubbing one out and then going to bed. Attend a happy hour, gallery opening, dinner party, etc. Don’t let the daily grind diminish your social life. Make it happen.
4. Pining for your ex: Get over it! An item in today's Page Six recounts the tale of Jenifer Aniston (who we have previously purged, mind you) being “unable” to leave her trailer on the set of "The Bounty" to film a scene with Gerard Butler - telling her assistant, "I need a moment. This scene reminds me of Brad and me." Jen and Brad were married for five years, four years ago. Even by the flaky SATC rule that implies it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them, Jen is over the limit. Whether it's the bi-curious boy who broke your pansy heart in middle school or the "trick that got away" from the Ascension Party this summer, it is time to build a bridge and get over it. Purge being hung-up (sorry, Madge) and leave what happened in the past where it belongs.